In the early eighties, I was at UC Berkeley, finishing up my undergraduate degree and beginning work on a research project. During this period, I spent much of my free time either playing pool or hanging around with the Berkeley Computer Club. Since email was such a novelty to us back then, we enjoyed putting together mailing lists for various discussion groups, and sending vast quantities of mail back and forth. (Hey, it kept us off the streets!)
Around this time, a novelty book was published, titled "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche." For some reason, this grabbed everyone's attention, and we immediately formed a new mailing list to discuss precisely what constitutes a Real man or woman, and exactly what they could or couldn't do.
I was into my heavy satire period at this time, and through the course of these mailings, I began to develop the concept of the ultimate tough guy, with an extremely sarcastic bent. He was kind of a cross between Humphrey Bogart and Hunter S. Thompson. Anyway, in a fit of creative lust, I produced the first episode of the first story, with a kind of cliff-hanger ending. I had never intended to produce anything further on the subject, but the other members of the mailing list got rather enthusiastic about it, and kept asking for the rest of the story.
So, I carried on. The story evolved with the look and feel of an old radio serial, and eventually grew to six episodes. Then, over the course of the next few years, I would feel inspired to write another story every now and then. Eventually, there were 4 complete stories, plus the first two episodes of a fifth that was never finished. Eventually, they were all posted to the Usenet, in net.jokes.
In the late eighties, some friends of mine were putting together a variety show in a small community auditorium in Berkeley, and suggested we do a performance of the first story. It was converted into a script, and eventually performed before a live audience as a radio play. We didn't have a foley artist, so whenever a sound effect was required, a guy standing just off-stage would hold up a placard with a description of the desired noise, and the audience members would produce it themselves. The performance was successfully received, and the audience really got into the spirit of the sound effects as well. (I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of about 60 people meowing like cats.)
Well, after that, my carreer started taking up much more of my time, so I haven't really done much with these stories since then. However, with the advent of the World Wide Web, this seemed like an excellent forum on which to publish them. Enjoy.
Certain people may find portions of these stories offensive. These include the following:
I should also like to point out that I am nothing like the character in question, so ladies, please don't write asking for dates, thinking you've found your prince at last. (And if that is what you think, I want you to promise me that you'll get some help immediately...)
Last Update: October 7, 1995